by Melissa Lewis
www.upsidedownspeaking.com
I love the Disney movie The Kid with Bruce Willis. In it he plays a
stressed-out, high-power image consultant. He wears expensive suits,
lives in a chic, elegantly furnished home and has all the money he can
spend. His biggest challenge comes when a young boy—-his younger
self-—comes to stay with him. He doesn’t recognize himself at first,
but then comes to see that he can heal himself by comforting the boy he
was and accepting the man he is. (Don’t worry, there’s still a lot of
other fun, surprising stuff that happens so I haven’t TOTALLY given the
plot away.)
Often when I work with people who are anxious or uncomfortable with
public speaking, they recount past experiences of perceived failure.
They tell me their stories of screw-ups, stumbles and faults, all with
a tone of humiliation and self-flagellation. They use critical, blaming
language to describe themselves such as “I was so stupid”, “I was
pathetic”, “I’ve never forgiven myself for that.” It’s bad enough to
have had the bad experience in the first place, but we just make it
worse when we spread the pain out over a lifetime by reliving the
experience-—and punishing ourselves for it-—over and over and over
again.
Exercise
(WARNING: The following exercise may seem corny, but try it anyway.
Seriously.) Close your eyes (after reading this article, that is) and
see yourself as you are today. Don’t analyze or judge who you are
today, just see yourself. Relax. Try to let go of any thoughts or
distractions. Now imagine a younger version of yourself
approaching--the you who screwed up that presentation all those years
ago. Perhaps it’s the you who messed up your 5th grade book report, or
the you who sneezed all over your slides at your first sales meeting,
perhaps the you who completely forgot to include those important
statistics when making the big proposal to the Board of Directors. That
younger self looks at you timidly, filled with embarrassment and shame
for the poor performance. After years of being angry at and embarrassed
by this younger self, you feel compassion. Looking at this poor
suffering soul, you realize it’s time to let him/her off the hook. This
younger self has suffered enough. As you let go of your judgment, you
realize that that younger self did the very best job possible, given
the where he/she was at the time. (Your corny meter may be going off
but stay with me here!) Now, reach out, embrace and forgive that
younger self. Give that younger self some comforting words of
encouragement and soothe the pain they’ve been carrying around all
these years. Take the burden off his/her shoulders as you both let it
go. Imagine a conversation between your present and former selves. What
went wrong that day? What was learned? How can the present you and the
former you work together to speak up with more confidence in the
future?
You may have several past “selves” to forgive. Picture each past self
who disappointed you and go through the same process. You might be
surprised at how this can lighten your load and ease your discomfort.
We can’t improve in an atmosphere of self-blame and criticism. When we
speak, all we can do is the best we can do. Sometimes we succeed.
Sometimes we fail. But chastising ourselves for past mistakes can only
hold us back. Let your “selves” off the hook and move on. Forgive the
person you were and accept the person you are. It’s through compassion
that you'll create the even better person you are becoming.